Ok - but don't say I didn't warn you!
'Guy stuff
_Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by_a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their_anniversary.__Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked_my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking_for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a_100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were_suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your_assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO_COOL!__Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two_triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I_was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND_pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue_arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs._
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn_spot is on the face of her microwave.__Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it_couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!__
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting_little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I_really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I_must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)_and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going_to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did_want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?_
_So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading_glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one_hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst_would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was_supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a_three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the_ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds_would be wasting the batteries.__All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,_less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with_two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible_way!"__
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my_best.....__I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one_side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst_from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I_decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I_touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY_MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION__
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me_up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and_over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal_position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,_testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in_the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over_me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,_undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"__
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one_note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you_zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged_from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three_second burst would be considered conservative.__SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be_sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits_(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent_reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up_get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still_twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my_bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm_offering a significant reward for their safe return.
I hope you all laughed as hard as I did!
[ 10-08-2006, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: crazy4my2 ]
