I have observed that parent group people that get so wrapped up in power plays and personality/emotional issues and sparring, are not only a bit childish (think girlschool arguements and petty rivalries) but are invariably doing the volunteer work for reasons of self and not the school kids.

All the rules and great advice from cape dad and others, about elections and proceudres, dont mean a hoot to people wrapped up in thier own personal agendas using the parnet group positions for their own personal reasons. At least, that is what i have observed in real life (i dont presume anything from the recent posts on these boards, you never see the whole story)

I have to wonder how they must treat each other in person if they can sling these virtual arrows at each other here.

It's unfortunate that these folks are letting the argument and the need to win overshadow the purpose of their group.

I've seen people I know ~good, kind, smart people~ get sucked into these types of debates. Once things turn personal, it's hard to let it go. Throw in some chat room muscles and fake anonymity and all sense of fair play disappears.

It's oh so hard to do but I've found a way that works for me. Once someone has decided they're offended (when, how, by whom, etc. is irrelevant) they want to heard. And heard until they're done talking, not until you're done listening. I force myself to remain neutral in that no matter what is said I won't take it personally. I let them talk and talk and talk until they've said absolutely everything they have to say. Then I repeat the main points of what I've heard, say that I understand that they've been offended, misunderstood, slighted, etc. If it's a PTO problem and/or I can do something about it, I do. If not, I offer some more empathy and what I hope are constructive suggestions for moving forward.

Nobody likes to be dismissed or be made to feel like they're being silly, petty, bothersome or unworthy. Maybe they are behaving in a way that doesn't serve them and makes it very, very hard to be nice to them. That's where leadership comes in. It's easy to be kind to people who are nice to you, friendly to friendly people, gracious to folks who are complimenting you. It's the other end of the spectrum that needs as much kindness, friendliness and grace.

Thank you, pals, for saying "enough is enough". I hope the folks reading these posts take your words to heart and start working together to make their school great for the kids.

Here are some rules I wrote for myself a long time ago, items 3 and 6 being relevant to this situation. I've posted them before but maybe some of the newer members haven't seen them....

1. Never, ever send an email message/pick up the phone/confront someone while angry. You will always regret it.
2. PTO work is, and should be, important to you. For everyone else, it's nowhere near the top of the list. Don't take it personally.
3. Managing volunteers is like nothing else. How you say things is always more meaningful than what you say.
4. Use an objective third party whenever possible. We work in a bubble. Things often make sense to us because we know the back story. Running things by someone who is out of the loop is the best way to catch potential problems.
5. Always have a back up plan. Meetings won't always have a quorum, items will often not make the newsletter, volunteers will forget about or disregard commitments they've made, misunderstandings will happen.
6. At the end of the day, we are all still friends. This is a small community. Everyone knows everyone. Our kids all play together. The people on all sides of every issue think they have the best interest of the parents/kids/school/town in mind. The people are always more important than the issue. The trick is to find a win, win, win solution.

jhb I didn't know that is what that button was for...I was looking for it a month ago and couldn't find it. Thanks for sharing that as now I know!

It isn't that I don't want to help them, I just dont think we can say anything that will help them...and we all know that we have had issues in our own groups but it is how you react to them that makes the group either stronger or weaker. Putting it out there in such a negative way for the whole world to see disheartens me...

I wish people could solve their own problems - but remember, we users (if signed in) do have the ability to use the "report post" button. It's that red triangle in the upper right corner of each message that is used to notify the administrator about issues such as spam, advertising, inappropriate content, fighting, and harassment.

It's still up to the administrators whether or not to take action such as to remove a post or lock a thread.

Agree with all of the above. These boards are here for experienced PTOs to share and ease the burden of some of our newer leaders out there. Our advice is meant to assist relatively "healthy" organizations working to better their children's educational experience. We have no impact on these unhealthier groups and are reduced to voyeurs. So come here for support, advice and positive direction. If your issues are "he said she said" we can do nothing for you except shake our heads at the damage you are doing to your children.

it is sad commentary on people who appear to dispute in cyberspace, because oboviuosly have not, or cannot, sit together in a circle and talk things out clamly and face to face. no offense to anyone with one of my dave barry fave's:

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. - Dave Barry