Get the Principal on Your Side

Even if you meet resistance, continue trying to involve the principal in school functions, from fundraising to family nights. "I know a lot of principals are hesitant or reluctant, but it's important for parents not to give up, to keep asking," Angelucci says. "Just because principals say no doesn't mean they don't want to come or that it's not important. They just might be putting their personal matters ahead at that time. They do have families and can't come to every night activity. If the principal won't sit in the dunk tank, find some other way in which he is more comfortable helping the PTO. But always ask like this: 'I know it's your personal time and your free time, but we'd really appreciate it if you could...' "

Keep the principal informed. Many PTO presidents email the principal a meeting agenda in advance to be sure that all necessary issues are included and that the principal is aware of what will be covered. Many principals also prefer that other material, such as correspondence and newsletters, go to them for a thumbs-up before being disseminated.

"Even with the information that is generated by the PTO and goes home through the children of the school, there's a perception by many parents that the principal has OK'd and supports this," says Anthony Cipro, principal of Florence G. Houghton Elementary School in Sterling, Mass. That's why Cipro asks the PTO president to run everything by him, not so he can approve or disapprove things but so he can spot errors such as incorrect dates and misspellings. "We want information that goes out to be spick-and-span, accurate, clearly expressed, and to convey a professional message to parents regardless of who the author is," he says.

And be sure to allow enough time for feedback. "Give me facts and details and time to process it," says Kathy McCarty, principal of David W. Dennis Middle School in Richmond, Ind. For example, her PTO president came to her soon after Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast in late August with a request to raise money for victims, saying, "This is what we'd like to do. Can we do this next week? Will it work in your schedule?"

That kind of early alert is crucial. Let your principal know about potential problems before a PTO meeting so she can be prepared to answer questions. No one likes to feel blindsided. "Be that parent the principal can trust to come to him or her," Angelucci says, "to let you know there's a problem, that you're probably going to get some questions about this at the meeting, so you might want to prepare ways we can improve it. I really appreciate that. Like I tell my teachers, I don't like to be the last to know about something." McCarty agrees, citing the great communication at her own school, where, she says, "I know what's happening before it happens."

In a positive, friendly way, remind your principal that the PTO has some things that she might not, including time and money. Cipro offers two examples of how to get this point across to your principal: "Say, 'We've noticed from reading the newspaper that budgets are cut, and we are hearing that you like to have kids have special programs that come into the school or field trips, and you don't have the money to do that. What do you think about these ways of helping you get what you want?' Or 'You indicated in the school improvement plan that you have a goal to increase the number of books in the library. What if we run the book fair for you and put all the money toward the purchase of additional library books to supplement the local budget so you can reach the target you want to reach?' "

Perhaps nothing beats compliments for motivation. Catch the principal doing something effective, and then let him know. Cipro suggests saying something like this to your principal as a starting point for teamwork: "When you gave that presentation to incoming parents of kindergarten kids and referred to them as your kids, that's a real good message to send to parents. The message I get is that you really care about kids, and so do we as parents. So how can we help our kids by working together?" Everyone welcomes praise, he adds. "If there is a function that goes well or a talk that went well or a position that the principal took that you appreciate, then make a phone call or approach the principal in person or send an email saying 'I just want you to know that I attended that program, and it was terrific.' Everyone likes an occasional pat on the back."

Even better is to compliment the principal in front of others. "A public thank-you is a rare occurrence for a principal," Angelucci says. "Showing up at a board meeting to say 'You've got a good guy or gal in this principal,' to support the school and parent partnerships—not to complain—that goes a long way. Parents can get a lot of mileage out of that. It shows the principal that parents are noticing the hard work he or she is putting in."

And if you do have cause for criticism, temper it with praise. For instance, perhaps your principal isn't very sociable. In a private meeting, Angelucci suggests, the PTO member might say, "This is something you might want to consider. I have heard from parents a concern that they don't see you being very visible. We know you're very busy, how much work you have to do. We see your car here early in the morning and late at night. But it might help with management (or discipline or dismissal) problems if we could just talk to you informally sometimes at the bus ramp.' That's pretty tough, though. You've got to know your principal."

Whatever your dissatisfaction or frustration, never deliver your requests as if you're placing an order. "Avoid putting the principal on the defensive," Cipro advises. "It's not a question of power. It's a question of people finding a way to help the little people at the school. Ask questions of your principal; don't make demands. Ask 'What would you like us to do?' or 'What can we do for you and your school?' " When you hear others complain, especially in public, stick up for your school. "At Little League, at soccer, at the grocery store, you'll hear parents tearing down the school or the principal because of some initiative [the school is] starting," says Angelucci. "It's important for the PTO, especially the board, to stick up for the school. That kind of negativity doesn't do anything." And don't spread any rumors yourself. If you have a concern, get the facts, and get them from the source. "Principals appreciate it when someone comes right to them and says, 'This is what I've heard, and I want to hear from you what the facts are,'&nsbp;" says Angelucci.

If you have a problem, suggest a possible way to solve it. Then write it down. Then present it to the principal orally as part of a group to show that the problem is not limited to one parent, adds Angelucci, who suggests saying, "I respect the procedure you're using for this, Ms. or Mr. Principal, but I just wanted you to take into consideration these other suggestions." At C.J. Hicks Elementary School in Conyers, Ga., Principal Katrina Mallory agrees that proposing solutions—in writing—is an effective approach. She cites her school's current debate about uniforms as an example of how she likes to see problems resolved: Committees made up of parents will research the pros and cons of mandatory uniforms, then present their findings at several PTA meetings before a vote is taken.

If you're getting nowhere in resolving an issue, resist going over the principal's head, because that creates a negative environment and will make the principal defensive. "If you really want to get to the bottom of an issue, work on it cooperatively," Angelucci says. "If that doesn't work, let the principal know, as a PTO board, 'We don't think this is working out quite the way we want or need it to help our kids. We don't want to go to the superintendent but may ask him or her to come in to the next meeting so we can possibly iron this out.' " Another alternative is to meet privately with the superintendent to ask for suggestions in dealing more effectively with your principal—but do so only as a last resort.

While some principals present greater challenges than others, concerted efforts to break down their defenses can have an impact. Three weeks after Cipro and his PTO officers gave some advice in a presentation at a PTO Today conference in March, one of his co-presenters received an email that said, "I did everything Cipro said to do, and my principal is a totally different person now and very receptive."